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i don't think i love you; i think i love myself.

i can't wait until these moments into memories. .. sometimes nostalgia is better than the real thing.

sometimes it is ok to have a night. just one night; just occasionally. it is perfectly ok to have a night. a painfully long, never-ending night. it is ok to feel like all the molecules making up the life rushing in your bloodstream, pumping through your heart, are gonna burst. it's ok to feel like you need to pray and to feel like you need to scream. it's ok to feel like you're gonna cry 'til your soul pours out of you and into teardrop puddles on your floor. it's ok to listen to your favourite saddest song on repeat for the entire evening. it's ok to look in the mirror and watch yourself laughing at you as you cry. it's ok to feel like you need to scratch at your skin 'til you bleed. it's ok to feel like you'll die if you don't get that one thing/person/whatever that you think you need. it's ok to stare blankly for a while and fall asleep. you're still beautiful and a-ok.

things are lookin' up.

guess what. i am too smart for this. yet i do it over and over. friends that aren't my friends. defining my life. that aren't defining my life. what am i running from? what am i hiding from? why do i let these sort of things -overtake- me? it's ok if it's just a booster. like *bump* "i said goddamn!" .. i should just have these powder my nose boosters. without the powder, of course. just the sauce and smoke. i said goddamn. and thinking of how - i can't write a screenplay. a screenplay of adults. i am not an adult. and will i ever be? dunno.

i just threw up.
but i am in love with life right now.

i am thankful for the simplicities,
but i am still waiting for my grander things to happen.

i haven't learned to let go,
in the ways that i want to.

i want to create something haunting.

I tap the negativity out of me.
I do not care what you think about me.
Before we get too far into this,
This is not poetry.
I haven't been a poet for over 10 years.
And I'm not sure if I was one back then either.
But that time, that nostalgia
was the beginning of this journey.
This path.
This plot.
This storyline.
This whatever you wanna call it.
Even though
I have no story to tell.
I miss me and I hope I get to be her again.
Dim lights & lots of reflection
(literally and metaphorically, of course!)
I think I'm on my way to something quite important.
Impotant for me, at least.
And that's all that matters,
when you need to find a way to love yourself entirely.

Back when I used to read song lyrics like the bible.
That was the beginning.
I wondered if anything amazing was meant for me.

And now I tap the negativity out of me.
Ha. I just thought of it this way:
Like I'm knocking on spiritual doors,
politely selling myself to the universe.

Anyway, I've gotten pretty far,
and I lack so much experience.
Can you imagine where I'll be ten years from now???

Anyway, the thoughts all started because I predicted what the next song was going to be. So I feel that's fate's way of telling me:
Amazing things are meant to be.

when you're stuck like dried-up sugar
at the bottom of a teacup.
just remember that the stars & sky still exist.
just look up.

i often find myself flirting with horror movie directors.
.. i need to get skinny and pretty again so they'll cast me.

from ye olde paper journal:

"i feel like i haven't seen you in forever. ... i had a bad day today. got slightly-semi-mean w/ a co-worker. (uh... mean for me.) .. and it was either half or completely rightly so. not sure which. both? ... i just hope she ignores the situation like i plan on doing. and doesn't send her homies to beat me up or anything.

cherry darling says, "i need a dramatic change in my life."

me too, doll. but i don't reckon zombie-like creatures are gonna rip my leg off any time soon. shucks.

just watched some "spaced" to cheer me up. listening to pumpkins now. "beautiful one (ugly)" .. bought some booze. gonna drink and eat cookies and rette. because i like to destroy/punish/enjoy myself when i'm upset. ha.

i am grateful for:
- spaced
- booze
- cookies
- rettes
- the smashing pumpkins

obviously. .. i am grateful for these things every single day of my life.

i reckon i should be going now. see you later tonight. hopefully i'll be happy and pissed on strawberry vodka.

♥♥♥
- me "

current music: the roots - atonement

who says i can't be like this? who says i can't do this? why should everything i do be laughable? why should everything i think be unrealistic? no, really. fucking, really. who says so? why not? why? fuck you for not believing in me. fuck me for not believing in myself. all of your false gods. your idols. they felt like this. and they got past the mental barrier. went past their emotional and societal boundaries. made new paradigms. so who the fuck are you to say i can't do it too? you think i'm gonna be like this forever? you think i can't change? you think i'm ugly and i'll never be beautiful? you honestly think that no one already finds me beautiful? guess what, motherfucker, i look in the mirror; i delve into the depths of my mind, and i see the truth. i feel it. and it's fucking real. realer than you'll ever know.

yes, there's still insecurities. i never said i didn't have work to do. nonono. i've got plenty. and it's fonna feed my soul like you wouldn't belive. all the difficulties. all the joy i strive to soak up like a sponge. capture like a photograph. i'm gonna grow and be unafraid and adored. and you will see.

more than anything, i want to be confident. cause my mind is the only thing holding me back.

it's bound to happen.

i feel beautiful. my singing voice is pretty right now. this is rare. and probably untrue to the rest of the world. but the rest of the world doesn't hear me. .... so it is true. to me.

i think i'm on to something.

it wasn't a bad day; it was a good experience.

everything's connected. everything.

it's good to be honest and unafraid.

i am trying.